sharonluong life is always better with color & IN color ♥

Age: 19
Status: Single __112210.
Location: New York City
Job: iSell Korean Circle Lenses; otherwise unemployed
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Friday, January 30, 2009,8:41 PM
Just a whatever post.

Note: I'm not writing this with any anger, hatred or any negative feelings, because I'm happy and hopefully, nothing can change that. I guess it's a way for me to talk to myself.

Bby, you know those "personal" questions I tell you that I wanna ask, but then I say I don't want to ask, even though I end up asking anyway because you say it's okay? Your answers to those questions... I don't know how to take them. I'm only ready to ask the questions, but never prepared to hear the answers. It's okay to lie to me; I'll know it's a lie, and I'd still wonder what the real answer is. When you tell me the truth, I can't help but to become afraid of what could happen, if the situations you had once wanted occur. It's hard not to think, "Well, what if..." I know you say there is no "what if," but what if there are what if's?

What if that girl you wanted to ask you out, asks you out now? You won't tell me who she is, because "I don't know her," but I wanna know anyway. I wanna know who I could possibly lose you to. So yeh, what if she did? Would you say yes? Would you say no? Why? Why not? If you say yes, then everything else is obvious. Would you say no because you would feel bad about hurting me, or because you "love" me? I know that I should know better, but what if?

What if the girl you could have a second chance with happens to break up with her boyfriend (god forbid), and looks to you? Would you turn the other way, or take the chance? It's the same questions as the other. What are your reasons for saying yes or no? Who is she? Again, I want to know who the person I could lose my love to is. I don't care if I don't know her; I don't want to get to know her, I just want to know who she is. All of these questions are aimed so that I can get to know you better. You can ask me anything, there's nothing I have to hide from you.

What if the girls you'd do offered you the chance to? Would you take it? And if you did, would you tell me? Would you tell me who and why? Would you feel okay about it after? Would you still be able to tell me that you "love" me?

I know you say you "won't leave me," and that the chances of the above even happening are little, but what if? Under what circumstances would you do so? The chances are small, but you're still giving the possibility for them to happen, and it seems like if you really could have the chances, you'd take them. This is why I stay quiet or seem like I don't want to talk to you when conversations like these happen. Not because I'm mad at you, but because I'm thinking about how to handle it, how to suppress the feelings.

Do you know why, when you asked me the same questions, I gave you the answer of "No" each time? It's because I wanted you to know that there's definitely no chance of either happening. That's my way of reassurance, even if you don't need it. Me, on the other hand, I need a definite answer, a definite reassurance, I need reassuring. Otherwise, the insecure side of me that you don't like shows up.

It's only now that I realize how much I really "care" about things like these. BUT I don't want anything to be different; just continue to answer me as you would normally. I don't know if you'll ever read this before I post again, but if you do, please don't ask me about it, unless you really want to, because I don't like talking about things like these - I hate feeling vulnerable to attacks because I didn't mean anything I said in the wrong way.

I guess there are a lot of things I still don't know, like the way you think, and what you've got on your mind, but I do know that I'm happy, and it's safe for me to say I love you.

♥
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