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Is it just me, or is it just me? 18 still feels like a little baby, but once I hit 19, I know I'ma feel like I'm older, and the official "adult age," even though 18 is the legal adult age. The year from the moment I hit 18 to the moment I hit 19 is like the year that I let the "adultness" sink in. Everything is changing, and while trying to make my business work, one thing stuck out at me; it was a quote that one customer had on her profile:

I'm mad because it's true; it's also ironic, so it's pretty clever, but it's still true. The only thing that will always stay the same is that things change, people change... CHANGE.

Back to today's letter, my best friend. Before I write this letter, I'd like to say that I'm writing this letter from the bottom of my heart, with the depths of my feelings, and I'm not only addressing one "best friend;" if you truly treated me as a best friend (as I put you to have been), you would know which paragraph is yours.

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Dear dear best friends,

We might have, or might not have, known each other for a very long time. Over the time that I did know you, I feel like I got to know who you really were, I felt a true connection. At the bloom of our friendships, I always thought "forever" (of course now I don't anymore, haha); forever we'd be friends, forever you'd be there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, forever I'd be the one you go to with your problems... but now I see that the only forever that I'll always be right about is forever is too long of a time to believe that we'll even be friends in the end, forever I'll have to deal with my shit alone; can't depend on anyone because it's a dog eat dog world out there, and it's every (wo)man for him/herself.

You were one of my only friends; I wouldn't blame other people. I always had my dad back me up, and that's where I'm flawed - I depend on other people when I think I really need it; and it always falls back on me. Anyways, you were one of my only friends, possibly my only real friend at the time. And you set the standard for a friend - we always did a lot of things together. We were in the same class, my family would take you out of state, or upstate, to amusement parks, we went to the park together, you came over to my house, we talked on the phone through 9/11, like what the heck is going on, we didn't do shit so why should we suffer, ohmygod there's nothing on TV, just the towers, so boring, we learned to ride a bike together (you got it before I did), and all that stuff. I remember we even chilled together during block parties and shit, well duh, and we made fun of your brother. The most important thing about you is that even while those fake friends at school were bugging out and creating fake "clubs" with their ugly ass "IDs" to "be in" the club, you never once left me behind. You stuck by me, no matter what they said about me. You really were a true friend, and you really did set the standard; no one can compare to you.

You're a lot different now, but so am I; I don't even see you anymore. The last time I remember, your hair was cut short, you had piercings and tattoos in places I never expected, sexual stories about things that I haven't even experienced yet. The only thing that has remained the same is that we're both still living in the same area. I guess this comes with not seeing you for a long time. I stalker feed you on Facebook, because after all, Facebook is everything now; I hope everything is okay between you, your family, your body, and your {ex}boyfriend. And even though you'll never read this, thank you for making my childhood.

Eyyyyyy, you were my girl; what the fuck happened? OH, I KNOW; you thought I wasn't cool enough for you. You wanted to run the place with your ghetto-be friends, so you left me behind, just so you wouldn't get left behind. Thanks for sticking up for me, bitch. I'll never forget it, and I'll always know how the story goes. I'll never tell it a different way either. Some friend you were, always blowin' up my spot at school. Good job, pick on me when it was ONLY me - against like 20 of you, half of you I didn't even know. Even now, I'm still mad. Not even at you, but at myself, for even letting myself think that you were a friend. Even though all these years passed, this will always stick with me, until I die; you're gonna have to have some good excuse for me to even look at you if I see you, which I hope I never do. But, I'll tell you now, I'm not the same girl you picked on that windy, cloudy day.

I remember after school, I would go to your house, or even on the weekends, with the rest of the girlies. Late nights, sleepovers, pizza, Chinese Food, boys, tears, heartbreaks, laughs, Maple Story, Gunbound.... where did all that go? Up into the air, when the school year started. You made new friends, I made new friends; we spoke less and less, and even when I tried to talk to you, it was nothing more than a hi/bye, a smile on the street. Don't get me wrong, you & the others were my girlies, but I have to say, you were THE girlie (given the past, and some incidents). I remember when I was crushing so hard on him, and you got sick of it, and just blew up my spot and told him. Dear best friend, the most important thing was that you had my back. You stuck up for me, and you lent me your shoulder to cry on.

That's obviously all changed now; nothing more than a distant memory. I passed by you, waved my hand in front of you, smiled, and you looked at me, like you didn't even know me. So all those years of friendship, just vanishes. Yea, I understand that friendships change over time and alla that stuff, but to the point where you don't even know me anymore? Damn, that's harsh. It's like a forgotten toy at the bottom of the bed. But I don't blame you; we just got lost in the hustle & bustle of our new friendships. Thank you, for always picking me up when I fell, and pointing out all my mistakes.

EYYYYYYYYY! I don't know if we were truly "best friends," but at one point I did treat you like one. I talk to you here and there now, but it's not the same feeling. I would talk to you about all the bullshit that's happening to me, and you would talk about all the bullshit that's happening to you, and we would have our laughs. Now, it's too hard to keep in contact; you're busy with school, and I suppose me too. I don't even see you on AIM anymore; are you even on? Do you have a new screenname? I don't know; it kinda sucks, because you were one of the only people who stayed real with me, no bullshit about this or bullshit about that, and yada yada.

You. I don't even know what my issue is with you. I'm just so mad at you. For what? I'm not really sure. When I'm out with you, I am the fakest person that I always hated about other people. Maybe it's a passive-aggressive hate thing. I'm not even going to put you on blast. I'm just going to leave our friendship behind, mang; it's not worth saving anymore. We'll just be one of those friends who say heyyy, what's up; catch up for that brief moment, and then .. Whatever!

& YOU.... were the closest thing to paragraph number 2. For some reason, I trusted you over this one above you. Maybe it was the way you listened, maybe it was the way you almost always tried your hardest to be there when I needed it. Maybe it was the way you went out of your way to be there for me. I don't know. I just needed this closeness, and you were it. It was always so comforting, it was like you offered your advice and thoughts without bias, without second thoughts, without hesitation. I was able to be so close to you, but never to the point where our friendship would be jeopardized; a second true friendship. I never thought it could happen again, BUT THERE IT IS. It's like paragraph 2 reincarnated as you LOL. I felt like you understood me, whether you actually did or not (if you didn't, you're a good actor, or I'm an idiot...). BUT this of course, had to end. Oh well.

:) Baaaby; No surprises who this is for! I know, I know; your significant other is "supposed" to be your best friend, but I don't know about that. Recently, I have been going to you with all my issues, because these are issues that you already know. I sorta wish I had someone else to go to too, no offense; because I know you can't be bothered with some of these nonsensical things. You know? You have your friends to go to, if you don't wanna tell me certain things, but I don't think I have any of those anymore; all things considered. I shouldn't feel like you're the only person I can go to with personal things; I'm just going to end up bottling a lot of it like I used to, and just explode randomly, even when things don't matter. I'm an angry child; you know it. The most important thing you're doing for me is loving me, even through all my imperfections, and bitchiness, and whatnot. You've taken a lot of my shit, thank you. I love you.

Don't get me wrong; I've sincerely loved each and all of you in your own different ways. While with baby, it's romantically, I still love/loved the rest of you with some parts of my heart, whether big or small. You guys have made an important addition/subtraction to my life, as well as big impacts. There's no way I could ever have picked just one of you to write this letter to or about. Thanks for being a friend, "friend," true friend, or real friend at some point of my life.

Love,

Sharon