♠

♥

♣

♦

I've been less aggravated, less angry, but still don't really want to talk.

It's like I don't want people to know that I'm alive.

I want people to wonder where I've been.

I want people to wonder what I've been doing.

But on the other hand, I don't want to talk to anyone.

My mouth opens, but no sounds come out.

I have nothing to say; I might as well have become mute.

But, I guess I could still talk via texting, but that's about it.

Maybe I'm feeling better, since a lot of the stress that was on me has been lifted -

6-paged English paper, 4-paged paper about giving birth & midwives, online test, CUNY Proficiency Exam, 1-paged Business memo...

But I should obviously not relax now, and I know I can't relax now, because I have so many other things to do. This semester is horrendous - it's like I put all of my extensive work courses into one semester. Next semester has to be better, it just has to - to make up for this shitty semester.

I know something else I want!

I want to take sticker pictures - not sure with WHO, but I do.

I feel like I've been missing out on so many things that I could be doing - some of these little, cute, seemingly meaningless things.. just to make me feel special, and loved.

Am I not worthy of having them?

Am I not good enough?

Every time my birthday rolls around, no one does anything special for it.

It's a little sad to have to plan my own birthday, every year.

I never really thought about it, because at a younger age, it was okay to plan your own party.

Now, it's kind of just sad to see that I don't have any friends that are willing to plan.

Not even that - growing up, and going to friends' birthday parties, and seeing that their friends (who were/are my friends too) thought to chip in together to buy something nice, kinda makes me sad that no one ever did that for me. Was I, and am I, that horrible of a person/friend that no one wants to buy anything for me collectively? Don't get me wrong; I don't exactly have a real wishlist, and I don't expect any gifts for my birthday, but are we not even friends enough for any of you to even ponder?!

Not even a card - you know, I keep those. Especially ones that have heartfelt & meaningful words in them.

I don't know - with so many occasions (birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever) coming up around the corner, I feel like it's no big deal. Just any other day passing.

It's like I'm not worth the time. Don't get it wrong - I don't need the pity of anyone.

Just a little ... resentful, if you will.

----------

Dear dreams,

I'm not sure if this means my literal dreams, the ones I have when I sleep, or the dreams that I have for the future, as in what I would like to have in the future. I guess I can address both quickly - I think I need to do a little sleeping after such a long, tiring week.

Literal dreams, sometimes you scare me. I have all these weird, freaky dreams that don't exactly fit together or make any real sense. I'm really curious - what do they mean, if they mean anything at all? Why did/do I dream of these things? Did I do or say something to trigger them? I don't know.. but sometimes they are entertaining.

Dreams/Aspirations, I need you to come true. Like now. I don't want to be rich, but I do want to be wealthy. I want to be able to get out of this house, and live in my own house or nice apartment. I want to be able to buy anything without looking at the price tag twice. I just want to live comfortably, and cozily. I want to own my own business in the real world, and be famous for my amazing products.

That's it. I guess.

Haven't been that deep with my letters, but there's not much to dig up to say.

Love,

Sharon